I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
