I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
