I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
