I wannas sexs uuuuu
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
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