Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
