I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
