Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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