umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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