Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
