Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
