I'm so fucking centered right now
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
