the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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