you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
