Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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