I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
