There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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