i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My liver is preforming stress tests.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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