Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
