it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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