I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
