she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
