at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
