I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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