i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
