I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
