did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
