Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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