So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
