Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
