this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
