Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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