Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
