he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
