i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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