Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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