I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
