someone threw a dead crab at me
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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