Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
