Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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