I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
