I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
