if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
