I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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