I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
