Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
