I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
