Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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