Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
