you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
