i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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