The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize