he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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