How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
