Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
we're so committed to being not committed
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
